Love Letter Etiquette

Love Letters can be used to move your love for a special person to the next level of intimacy.

Mark Dovel

It has been said that Love Letters contain words that are the most often kept and the most often burnt.

The Love Letter is an expression of feelings for another person which contain your most inner feelings. It may be a forum to move your love for that special person to the next level of intimacy.

When you decide the time is right to express your feelings for that special woman or man, there are several creative ideas you may want to incorporate into your letter for added impact.

The letter you write should come from the heart. Do not worry if you are not a professional writer, what is important in the letter is that you are sincere, honest, and caring. Some basic rules should be followed in writing the love letter.

Consider hand writing the letter in your own handwriting on specialty paper.

The authors of 18th century love letters were masters at this form of letter writing. They would use special parchment paper, hand written with a quill; the envelope was sealed with wax and bundled with special ribbon. They were concerned with presentation as well as content.

Companies such as Office Depot, Kinko's and Staples sell specialty paper which adds major impact to your letter.

If your handwriting is considered to be of physician quality and might actually distract from the letter, may I suggest you seek out a person who is skilled at the art of Calligraphy. I have found individuals who perform this task of transcribing a letter at a very reasonable price.

It is difficult to describe the impact this type of presentation makes to your loved one. It is not uncommon for the recipient of such a letter to have the letter framed and displayed in a special place in their home.

Another suggestion for the presentation aspect of the letter, is the addition of a small photograph glued to the top of the letter. This allows the recipient to view the photograph and reflect on you with fondness as they admire your letter content.



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Spelling accuracy is an absolute must when writing any letter. Misspelled words are symbols of carelessness, which can distract from your message. Consider the message you may be sending to your loved one, when you do not take the time to look up a questionable word in the dictionary.

With regards to content, you should write from the heart with layman terms. Avoid large complicated words when a simple one will do.

The opening and closing of the love letter are very important as they set the tone for the entire letter.

Determine the stage of your love. For example, you would not want to start a letter with "My Darling Love, Traci" if you have only dated her for two weeks.

A more appropriate opening may be "To Traci, with warmest affection."

The opposite rule would apply if your love has moved into a more intimate area. You would not want to write a lesser opening and risk sending the wrong signal to your lover that may suggest you are only friends.

When closing the love letter, it should add impact that sums up your feelings in a few words.

For example, Yours unconditionally, ... Your beloved Husband, ... My love, ... With heartfelt love, ... I long for your touch, love, ...

Closings of lesser impact may include, With warmest regards, ... With affection, ... With fondest memories, ... Until our next meeting, ... Yours truly, ...

Above all, have fun with writing to the person of your dreams. Think of the smile it would bring to your loved one to find a special letter from you under her/his pillow.

These letters are cherished by the recipient and often kept for a lifetime.

Tap into your creativity and use your imagination.

With love and heartfelt admiration,


Mark Dovel

Mark Dovel is a freelance writer who has been writing articles for several years. His specialty is outstanding love letters. If you need assistance with writing this type of letter, please contact him at P O Box 611, Bonsall CA 92303.

Ideas: Love Notes, Letters & More

"I Love You" Letter

Take a piece of paper and write (in ink) “I love you” all over it - sort of like if you got in trouble at school and had to write 25 times "I will listen." Then on the back of the paper I wrote a poem and a little quote: "All the ink in the universe could not express how much I love you." It was very effective and it doesn't take that long to make.

--submitted by Anonymous

"Virtual" Love

Once my boyfriend told me that he is planning to buy a new PC. So, I thought this is my chance of telling him how much I loved him. This idea is particularly good if you know programming. So what I did was I went to a computer shop and bought a 20GB hard disk and then formatted it myself. Before that I've created a simple program that once installed will pop up each time the computer is booted and each time it pops up, it'll display a love message, it includes something like, why I love him, what makes him so special, etc. I presented the disk to him without telling what I have installed inside! When he finally bought the computer and booted it, he was so surprised! He loved it so much as it is quite creative, he said!

--submitted by Leena

"Why I Love You" Heart Pillows

The idea is to make enough to give one a day until a special day arrives – building up to it. Since our anniversary is the 23rd of February, I made 10 of these to build up "10 days of love.” First, I wrote down 10 different reasons why I loved my lover, then added a somewhat simple illustration (stick people work - it did for me). Have the illustrations go with the reasons you came up with. Then I bought 1 yard each of red and white fabric (any material you like) and a variety of different colors of fabric paint. You will also need cotton stuffing, the kind you would use for stuffed animals (it can be found in any craft section or store). Make up a heart pattern/template that you will use to make all the heart cutouts, (plain white paper works for this: fold it in half first, trace out half a heart on the fold line and then cut it out, you will get a nice, symmetrical heart). Pin or trace your pattern onto the material and cut out an equal number of hearts from each fabric color (I did 10 of each color for a total of 20 hearts). Each finished heart with be white on one side, red on the other. On all of the red hearts, use white fabric paint to write out a reason why you love your lover. On all of the white hearts, use the colored fabric paints to draw the illustration to go with it. Once they have all dried, place the corresponding reason why you love your lover with the illustration face to face (so that the blank sides of the fabric are facing outwards) hand sew or use a sewing machine to sew all around the edges. Don't forget to leave a small opeining to turn the heart inside out and for stuffing in the cotton. Once they have been turned inside out, stuff them and then hand stitch the small opening shut. Once they were finished, every day for the 10 days leading up to our anniversary, I gave him one of the pillows until he got all 10.

--submitted by Rachel

10 Places Your Hands Could Be

This is a cute idea. Write a note to your man entitled: "10 places your hands could be other than this book!" Make your list as naughty as you want! Then slip the note into his favorite book, paper or magazine.

--submitted by Anonymous

10 Things I Miss

Because my guy and I live so far apart, I really miss him, especially around Valentine's Day. So, I made up a big poster that had a lot of pictures of us, and I made it up as a collage surrounding a list I made that said 10 things I missed about him. They were just simple things, for example: “I miss the way you touch my chin to kiss me." At the end of the list, I added a line to sum it all up, and made it to rhyme with the last item on the list: last on the list was, "I miss your smile" then "I miss all of the above that makes you so worthwhile" right after it. It’s a cute idea and while he reads the list, he can look at all the pictures of the good times that you and him have shared together.

--submitted by Anonymous

100 Reasons

For our 3-month anniversary I made a list of 100 different reasons why I loved my guy. They were just simple things like how he says I love you. Each month I give him another reason to add to his list. It's a fun way to keep the romance alive. We both love it!

--submitted by Casey

100 Reasons Picnic

I got this idea from combining two of my favorite ideas on this website! I realized after reading an idea about this couples 100th day anniversary, my boyfriend and I's 100th day anniversary was coming up. I typed up 100 reasons why I love him and cut out each one out. Then, I blew up 100 balloons, and put one reason in each balloon. He had to pop them to find the next one. I had a balloon that said START which was kind of an introduction to the game and one that said END which contained a large note that said "I love you" on it. The setting this whole time was in my bedroom with candles lit and blankets down with a picnic basket fully prepared--an indoor picnic in the bedroom with 100 reasons why I love JT right in front of him!

--submitted by Lindsay

100 Reasons Why I Love You

My fiancé and I live about an hour away from each other, and both of us are in college. Sometimes we get caught up in the hubbub of college life. We chat on the phone a lot, but that gets expensive for a broke, college girl, so we also chat on the computer. One day, he asked me if I was sure that I loved him and I told him of course. He asked me why, and I told him there were at least 100 reasons. When he asked me to name 5, I told him to give me a minute, I had to do something. In the buddy info of my chat program, I listed 10 reasons why I love him, for him and everyone else I know to see. I told him to check, and he called me up as soon as he read it gushing about how much he loved me. A week later, I put up 10 more, and the same thing the week after that. Once he caught on that there was a new set of 10 every week, he started doing the same thing. It lasted for 10 weeks. We had so much fun doing it, we just kept it up. It's a great little reminder to have sometimes, just to let you know that you're thought of.

--submitted by Melissa

101 Reasons Poster

I racked my brain for something special to give my boyfriend for our one-year anniversary. I bought the biggest sheet of poster board I could find, and folded it in half like a gigantic card. I wrote "101 reasons why I Love..." on the front and on the inside I wrote “YOU” right in the middle, then wrote the reasons all over the card (and did manage to come up with 101 things!). These things can be qualities the person has, or it can even be memories. Like for one I did, "Because you went down the big scary white slide at Waterworld even though you didn't want to", or "because you go to Chick Flicks with me", stuff like that. Come up with a list and check them off as you write them on the poster so you don't have to keep going back and actually counting them on the poster. (This gets confusing) I did the reasons in different colors too. He loved it! He said it was the nicest thing anyone has ever done for him.

--submitted by Rebecca

20 Special Things

Sometimes you don't really realize how special all the little things you do for each other really mean. I'd suggest listing about 20 of the tiniest things you just love and send it to your significant other. Things like the way they wink at you just cause or smile at you across the room.

--submitted by Briscoe's girl

Love in Different Version

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

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For other uses, see Love (disambiguation).

The heart, a frequent modern symbol of love

Love has several different meanings in the English language, from something that gives a little pleasure ("I loved that meal") to something one would die for (patriotism, pair-bonding). It can describe an intense feeling of affection, an emotion or an emotional state. In ordinary use, it usually refers to interpersonal love. Probably due to its emotional primacy, love is one of the most common themes in art. Love is sometimes descibed as an OCD.

Love might best be defined as acting intentionally, in sympathetic response to others (including any gods or goddesses), to promote overall well-being. Or to put simply, "love responds intentionally to promote well-being"(Thomas Jay Oord). Love promotes overall flourishing, but often focuses on those close at hand.

Love is inherent in all human cultures and thus may be seen as a defining trait of humanity, that is, love is a quality that makes one human. It is precisely these cultural differences that make any universal definition of love difficult, but not impossible, to establish. See the Sapir-Whorf hypothesis. Expressions of love may include the love for a soul or mind, the love of laws and organizations, love for a body, love for nature, love of food, love of money, love for learning, love of power, love of fame, love for the respect of others, et cetera. Different people place varying degrees of importance on the kinds of love they receive. Love is essentially an abstract concept, easier to experience than to explain.

Scientific models

Swans forming a heart, a common symbol for love, together.

Throughout history, predominately, philosophy and religion have speculated the most into the phenomena of love. In the last century, the science of psychology has written a great deal on the subject. Recently, however, the sciences of evolutionary psychology, evolutionary biology, anthropology, neuroscience, and biology have begun to take center stage in discussion as to the nature and function of love.

Biological models of love tend to see it as a mammalian drive, just like hunger or thirst. Psychology sees love as more of a social and cultural phenomenon. There are probably elements of truth in both views — certainly love is influenced by hormones (such as oxytocin) and pheromones, and how people think and behave in love is influenced by their conceptions of love.

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Attraction and attachment

The conventional view in biology is that there are two major drives in love — sexual attraction and attachment. Attachment between adults is presumed to work on the same principles that lead an infant to become attached to his or her mother or father.

In the February 2006 issue of National Geographic, Lauren Slater's cover page article "Love: The Chemical Reaction" discusses love and the chemicals responsible. In it Slater explains some of the research in the area. Some key points:

• The chemicals triggered responsible for passionate love and long-term attachment love seem to be more particular to the activities in which both participate rather than to the nature of the specific people involved.

• The serotonin effects of being in love have a similar chemical appearance to obsessive-compulsive disorder (which could explain why a person in love cannot think of anyone else). For this reason some assert that being on a SSRI and other antidepressants, which treat OCD, impede one's ability to fall in love. One particular case:

"I know of one couple on the edge of divorce. The wife was on an antidepressant. Then she went off it, started having orgasms once more, felt the renewal of sexual attraction for her husband, and they're now in love all over again." (38)

• The long-term attachment felt after the initial "in love" passionate phase of the relationship ends is a result of chemicals such as oxytocin. Things like massaging and "making love" can help trigger oxytocin.

• Novelty triggers attraction, so nerve-racking activities like riding a roller coaster are good dates. Even a person working out for ten minutes can make that person more attracted to other people on account of increased heart rate and other physiological responses.

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Companionate vs. passionate

The traditional psychological view sees love as being a combination of companionate love and passionate love. Passionate love is intense longing, and is often accompanied by physiological arousal (shortness of breath, rapid heart rate). Companionate love is affection and a feeling of intimacy not accompanied by physiological arousal.

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Triangular Theory of Love

Main article: triangular theory of love

In 1986 psychologist Robert Sternberg published his famous triangular theory of love in Psychological Review (Vol. 93, No.2, 119-135), which postulated a geometric interpretation of love. According to the triangular theory, love has three components:

1. Intimacy – which encompasses the feelings of closeness, connectedness, and bondedness.
2. Passion – which encompasses the drives that lead to romance, physical attraction, and sexual consummation.
3. Decision/Commitment – which encompasses, in the short term, the decision that one loves another, and in the long term, the commitment to maintain that love.

The “amount” of love one experiences depends on the absolute strength of these three components; the “kind” of love one experiences depends on their strengths relative to each other. The three components, pictorially labeled on the vertices of a triangle, interact with each other and with the actions they produce and with the actions that produce them so as to form a number of different kind of love experiences. The size of the triangle functions to represent the amount of love - the bigger the triangle the greater the love. The shape of the triangle functions to represent the kind of love, which typically varies over the course of the relationship: passion-stage (right-shifted triangle), intimacy-stage (apex-triangle), commitment-stage

(left-shifted triangle), typically. Each of these elements can be present in a relationship to the main nine varieties of love via the following combinations:

	intimacy	passion	commitment
Liking or friendship	x
Infatuation or limerence		x
Empty love			x
Romantic love	x	x
Companionate love	x		x
Fatuous love		x	x
Consummate love	x	x	x

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Formulaic models

In the history of human thought, various researchers, from time to time, have come forward with hypothetical formulas of love. One such famous formula, from the early 20th century, was provided by the pioneer sexologist Havelock Ellis who postulated the following mathematical equality:^[1]

Love = Sex + Friendship

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Love styles

Susan Hendrick and Clyde Hendrick developed a Loves Attitude Scale based on John Alan Lee's theory called Love styles. Lee identified six basic theories that people use in their interpersonal relationships:

• Eros (romantic love) — a passionate physical love based on physical appearance and beauty.
• Ludus (game playing)— love is played as a game; love is playful; often involves little or no commitment and thrives on "conquests".
• Storge (companionate love) — an affectionate love that slowly develops, based on similarity and friendship.
• Pragma (pragmatic love) — inclination to select a partner based on practical and rational criteria where both will benefit from the partnership.
• Mania (possessive love) — highly emotional love; unstable; the stereotype of romantic love; its characteristics include jealousy and conflict.
• Agapē (altruistic love) — selfless altruistic love; spiritual

The Hendricks found men tend to be more ludic and manic, whereas women tend to be storgic and pragmatic. Relationships based on similar love styles were found to last longer.

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Phases

Helen Fisher suggests three main phases of love: lust, attraction, and attachment. Generally love will start off in the lust phase, strong in passion but weak in the other elements. The primary motivator at this stage is the basic sexual instinct. Appearance, smells, and other similar factors play a decisive role in screening potential mates. However, as time passes, the other elements may grow and passion may shrink — this depends upon the individual. So what starts as infatuation or empty love may well develop into one of the fuller types of love. At the attraction stage the person concentrates their affection on a single mate and fidelity becomes important.

Likewise, when a person has known a loved one for a long time, they develop a deeper attachment to their partner. According to current scientific understanding of love, this transition from the attraction to the attachment phase usually happens in about 30 months. After that time, the passion fades, changing love from consummate to companionate, or from romantic love to liking.

'Sacred Love versus Profane Love' by Giovanni Baglione

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Cultural views

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Chinese

In contemporary Chinese language and culture, several terms or root words are used for the concept of "love":

• Ai (愛) is used as a verb (e.g. Wo ai ni, "I love you") or as a noun, especially in aiqing (愛情), "love" or "romance." In mainland China since 1949, airen (愛人, originally "lover," or more literally, "love person") is the dominant word for "spouse" (with separate terms for "wife" and "husband" originally being de-emphasized); the word once had a negative connotation, which it retains among many on Taiwan.

• Lian (戀) is not generally used alone, but instead as part of such terms as "being in love" (談戀愛, tan lian'ai—also containing ai), "lover" (戀人, lianren) or "homosexuality" (同性戀, tongxinglian).

• Qing (情), commonly meaning "feeling" or "emotion," often indicates "love" in several terms. It is contained in the word aiqing (愛情); qingren (情人) is a term for "lover".

In Confucianism, lian is a virtuous benevolent love. Lian should be pursued by all human beings, and reflects a moral life. The Chinese philosopher Mozi developed the concept of ai (愛) in reaction to Confucian lian. Ai, in Mohism, is universal love towards all beings, not just towards friends or family, without regard to reciprocation. Extravagance and offensive war are inimical to ai. Although Mozi's thought was influential, the Confucian lian is how most Chinese conceive of love.

Gănqíng (感情), the feeling of a relationship. A person will express love by building good gănqíng, accomplished through helping or working for another. Emotional attachment toward another person or anything.

Yuanfen (緣份) is a connection of bound destinies. A meaningful relationship is often conceived of as dependent strong yuanfen. It is very similar to serendipity. A similar conceptualization in English is, "They were made for each other," "fate," or "destiny".

Zaolian (Simplified: 早恋, Traditional: 早戀, pinyin: zǎoliàn), "puppy love" or literally "early love," is a contemporary term in frequent use for romantic feelings or attachments among children or adolescents. Zaolian describes both relationships among a teenaged boyfriend and girlfriend, as well as the "crushes" of early adolescence or childhood. The concept essentially indicates a prevalent belief in contemporary Chinese culture that due to the demands of their studies (especially true in the highly competitive educational system of China), youth should not form romantic attachments lest they jeopardize their chances for success in the future. Reports have appeared in Chinese newspapers and other media detailing the prevalence of the phenomenon and its perceived dangers to students and the fears of parents.

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Japanese

In Japanese Buddhism, ai (愛) is passionate caring love, and a fundamental desire. It can develop towards either selfishness or selflessness and enlightenment.

Amae (甘え), a Japanese word meaning "indulgent dependence", is part of the child-rearing culture of Japan. Japanese mothers are expected to hug and indulge their children, and children are expected to reward their mothers by clinging and serving. Some sociologists (most notably, Takeo Doi) have suggested that Japanese social interactions in later life are modeled on the mother-child amae.

Linguistically, the two most common words for love are ai （愛）and koi (恋). Generally speaking, most forms of non-romantic love are expressed using the former, while romantic love is expressed using the latter. "Parental love", for example, is oya no ai (親の愛), while "to be in love with" is koi suru (恋する). There are of course exceptions. The word aijin (愛人) means "lover" and implies an illicit, often extra-marital relationship, whereas koibito (恋人) has the connotation of "boyfriend", "girlfriend", or "partner".

In everyday conversation, however, ai (愛) and koi (恋) are rarely used. Rather than using ai shiteiru (愛している) or koi shiteiru (恋している) to say "I love you", for example, most Japanese would say suki desu (好きです), which literally means "I like you" -- suki (好き) being the same word used to express preferences for food, music, etc., as in sushi ga suki desu (寿司が好きです), or "I like sushi." Rather than diluting the sentiment, however, the implied meaning of "love" is understood.

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Ancient Greek

Greek distinguishes several different senses in which the word love is used. For example, ancient Greek has the words philia, eros, agape, storge and xenia. However, with Greek as with many other languages, it has been historically difficult to separate the meanings of these words totally. At the same time the ancient Greek text of the Bible has examples of the verb agapo being used with the same meaning as phileo.

Agape (ἀγάπη agápē) means love in modern day Greek. The term s'agapo means I love you in Greek. The word agapo is the verb I love. It generally refers to a "pure", ideal type of love rather than the physical attraction suggested by eros. However, there are some examples of agape used to mean the same as eros. It has also been translated as "love of the soul".

Eros (ἔρως érōs) is passionate love, with sensual desire and longing. The Greek word erota means in love. Plato refined his own definition. Although eros is initially felt for a person, with contemplation it becomes an appreciation of the beauty within that person, or even becomes appreciation of beauty itself. Eros helps the soul recall knowledge of beauty, and contributes to an understanding of spiritual truth. Lovers and philosophers are all inspired to seek truth by eros. Some translations list it as "love of the body".

Philia (φιλία philía), means friendship in modern Greek, a dispassionate virtuous love, was a concept developed by Aristotle. It includes loyalty to friends, family, and community, and requires virtue, equality and familiarity. Philia is motivated by practical reasons; one or both of the parties benefit from the relationship.

Storge (στοργή storgē) means affection in modern Greek; it is natural affection, like that felt by parents for offspring.

Xenia (ξενία philoxenía), means hospitality in modern Greek, was an extremely important practice in ancient Greece. It was an almost ritualized friendship formed between a host and their guest, who could previously be strangers. The host fed and provided quarters for the guest, who was only expected to repay with gratitude. The importance of this can be seen throughout Greek mythology, in particular Homer's Iliad and Odyssey.

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Latin

The Latin language has several different verbs corresponding to the English word 'love'.

Amare is the basic word for to love, as it still is in Italian today. The Romans used it both in an affectionate sense, as well as in a Romantic or sexual sense. From this verb come amans, a lover, amator, 'professional lover', often with the accessory notion of lechery, and amica, 'girlfriend' in the English sense, often as well being applied euphemistically to a prostitute. The corresponding noun is amor, which is also used in the plural form to indicate 'love affairs' or 'sexual adventures'. This same root also produces amicus, 'friend', and amicitia, 'friendship' ed on mutual advantage, and corresponding sometimes more closely to 'indebtedness' or 'influence'). Cicero wrote a treatise called On Friendship (de Amicitia) which discusses the notion at some length. Ovid wrote a guide to dating called Ars Amatoria (The Art of Lovers), which addresses in depth everything from extramarital affairs to overprotective parents.

Complicating the picture somewhat, Latin sometimes uses amare where English would simply say to like; this notion, however, is much more generally expressed in Latin by placere or delectare, which are used more colloquially, and the latter of which is used frequently in the love poetry of Catullus.

Diligere often has the notion 'to be affectionate for', 'to esteem', and rarely if ever is used of romantic love. This word would be appropriate to describe the friendship of two men. The corresponding noun diligentia, however, has the meaning 'diligence' 'carefulness' and has little semantic overlap with the verb.

Observare is a synonym for 'diligere'; despite the cognate with English, this verb and its corresponding noun 'observantia' often denote 'esteem' or 'affection'.

Caritas is used in Latin translations of the Christian Bible to mean 'charitable love'. This meaning, however, is not found in Classical pagan Roman literature. As it arises from a conflation with a Greek word, there is no corresponding verb.

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Indonesian and Malaysian

In Indonesian and Malaysian linguistics perspective, love can be defined in several ways:

Cinta is a word that defines lust or love that involves physical attraction.

Jatuh cinta literally means falling in love: the initial action that triggers love.

Sayang is a word to express unconditional love, but also to express deep regret in losing something.

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Religious views

Whether religious love can be expressed in similar terms to interpersonal love is a matter for philosophical debate. Religious 'love' might be considered a euphemistic term, more closely describing feelings of deference or acquiescence. Most religions use the term love to express the devotion the follower has to their deity, who may be a living guru or religious teacher. This love can be expressed by prayer, service, good deeds, and personal sacrifice. Reciprocally, the followers may believe that the deity loves the followers and all of creation. Some traditions encourage the development of passionate love in the believer for the deity. Refer to Religious Views below.

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Buddhist

In Buddhism, Kāma is sensuous, sexual love. It is an obstacle on the path to enlightenment, since it is selfish.

Karunā is compassion and mercy, which reduces the suffering of others. It is complementary to wisdom, and is necessary for enlightenment.

Advesa and maitrī are benevolent love. This love is unconditional and requires considerable self-acceptance. This is quite different from the ordinary love, which is usually about attachment and sex, which rarely occur without self-interest. Instead, in Buddhism it refers to detachment and unselfish interest in others' welfare.

The Bodhisattva ideal in Tibetan Buddhism involves the complete renunciation of oneself in order to take on the burden of a suffering world. The strongest motivation one has in order to take the path of the Bodhisattva is the idea of salvation within unselfish love for others.

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Christian

"Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things." —1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (KJV)

There are several Greek words for Love that are regularly referred to in Christian circles.

• Agape - In the New Testament, agapē is charitable, selfless, altruistic, and unconditional. It is parental love seen as creating goodness in the world, it is the way God is seen to love humanity, and it is seen as the kind of love that Christians aspire to have for others.
• Phileo - Also used in the New Testament, Phileo is a human response to something that is found to be delightful. Also known as "brotherly love".
• Two other words for love in the Greek language -- Eros (sexual love) and storge (needy child-to parent love) were never used in the New Testament.

C.S. Lewis, an influential Christian theologian, wrote a book called The Four Loves.

Many Christians believe that the greatest commandment is "thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and with all thy strength: this is the first commandment." and "Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself." are the two greatest commandments (the two greatest commandment of God, according to Jesus). See The Gospel of Mark chapter 12, verses 28-34). Saint Augustine summarised this when he wrote "Love God, and do as thou wilt". Saint Paul glorified agape love as the most important virtue of all in 1 Corinthians, chapter 13. Attempting to define it he wrote, " Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. Charity never faileth: but whether there be prophecies, they shall fail; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away. "(13:4-8 KJV)

Christians also believe that God felt so much agape love for man that he sacrificed his son for them. John the Apostle wrote, "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved." (John 3:16-17 KJV)

Many Christian theologians see God as the source of love, "He that loveth not knoweth not God; for God is love." (1 John 4:8 KJV])

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Hindu

In Hinduism kāma is pleasurable, sexual love, personified by the god Kama. For many Hindu schools it is the third end in life .

In contrast to kāma, prema or prem refers to elevated love.

Karuna is compassion and mercy, which reduces the suffering of others.

Bhakti is a Sanskrit term from Hinduism meaning 'loving devotion to the supreme God'. A person who practices bhakti is called bhakta. Hindu writers, theologians, and philosophers have distinguished nine forms of devotion that they call bhakti, for example in the Bhagavatha-Purana and according to Tulsidas. The booklet Narada bhakti sutra written by an unknown author distinguishes eleven forms of love.

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Islamic

In a sense, love does encompass the Islamic view of life as universal brotherhood which applies to all who hold the faith. There are no direct references stating that God is love, but amongst the 99 names of God (Allah), there is the name Al-Wadud or 'the Loving One', which is found in Surah 11:90 as well as Surah 85:14. It refers to God as being "full of loving kindness". In Islam, love is more often than not used as an incentive for sinners to aspire to be as worthy of God's love as they may. One still has God's love, but how the person evaluates his own worth is to his own and God's own counsel. All who hold the faith have God's love, but to what degree or effort he has pleased God depends on the individual itself.

Ishq, or divine love, is the emphasis of Sufism. Sufis believe that love is a projection of the essence of God to the universe. God desires to recognize beauty, and as if one looks at a mirror to see oneself, God "looks" at itself within the dynamics of nature. Since everything is a reflection of God, the school of Sufism practices to see the beauty inside the apparently ugly. Sufism is oftentimes referred to as the religion of Love. God in Sufism is referred to in three main terms which are the Lover, Loved, and Beloved with the last of these terms being often seen in Sufi poetry. A common viewpoint of Sufism is that through Love humankind can get back to its inherent purity and grace.

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Jewish

"And you shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your might." —Deuteronomy 6:5

In Hebrew Ahava is the most commonly used term for both interpersonal love and love of God. Other related but dissimilar terms are Chen (grace) and Hesed, which basically combines the meaning of "affection" and "compassion" and is sometimes rendered in English as "loving-kindness".

Judaism employs a wide definition of love, both between people and between man and the Deity. As for the former, the Torah states: "Love your neighbor like yourself" (Leviticus 19:18). As for the latter, one is commanded to love God "with all your heart, with all your soul and with all your might" (Deuteronomy 6:5), taken by the Mishnah (a central text of the Jewish oral law) to refer to good deeds, willingness to sacrifice one's life rather than commit certain serious transgressions, willingness to sacrifice all one's possessions and being grateful to the Lord despite adversity (tractate Berachoth 9:5). Rabbinic literature differs how this love can be developed, e.g. by contemplating Divine deeds or witnessing the marvels of nature.

As for love between marital partners, this is deemed an essential ingredient to life: "See life with the wife you love" (Ecclesiastes 9:9). The Biblical book Song of Songs is a considered a romantically-phrased metaphor of love between God and his people, but in its plain reading reads like a love song.

The 20th-century rabbi Eliyahu Eliezer Dessler is frequently quoted as defining love from the Jewish point-of-view as "giving without expecting to take" (from his Michtav me-Eliyahu, vol. I). Romantic love per se has few echoes in Jewish literature, although the medieval rabbi Judah Halevi wrote romantic poetry in Arabic in his younger years (he appears to have regretted this later).

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Mythological

Different cultures have deified love, typically in both male and female form. Here is a list of the gods and goddesses of love in different mythologies.

• Áine — goddess of fertility and passionate love in Irish mythology
• Amor or Cupid — god of passionate love in Roman mythology
• Aonghus or Aengus— god of beauty, youth, and sensual love in Irish mythology
• Aphrodite — goddess of beauty and passionate love in Greek mythology
• Astarte — goddess of love in Canaanite mythogy
• Eros — god of passionate love in Greek mythology
• Freya — goddess in Norse mythology
• Inanna — goddess of love and war in Sumerian mythology
• Ishtar — goddess of love and war in Babylonian mythology
• Kama — god of sensual love in Hindu mythology
• Rati — goddess of passionate love in Hindu mythology
• Venus — goddess of beauty and passionate love in Roman mythology
• Xochipilli — god in Aztec mythology
• Antheia — goddess in Crete mythology of love, flowers, gardens, and marshes

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Theological

Even though in monotheistic religions, the God is considered to represent love, there are often angels or similar beings that represent love as well.

• Haniel — Angel of Venus, and of eros, in Judeo-Christian theology.
• Raphael — Angel of love(agape) in Judeo-Christian theology.
• Mihr — angel of love in Persian mythology

The Science Of Love (the chemistry of romance)

Life, 22, 2, 38(1)
Feb, 1999
ISSN: 0024-3019

ABSTRACT:
Researchers believe that love at first sight is not just a cliche. A chemical reaction which may lead to romance can be created when one person first looks at another. A mix of natural chemicals and hormones may explain why opposites attract, mismatched couples success and some
couples survive the worst situations.

TEXT:
The couples on the following pages prove what researchers now know: Romance, quite literally, requires a certain chemistry. Love at first sight is no apocryphal cliche. Writer Nuna Alberts reports that researchers now know why one glimpse of the right person can let off a chemical reaction leading to romance. But what happens after what? Why do some relationships succeed while others fizzle? That may be more magic than science. Claudia Glenn Dowling visits with 10 famous couples who have overcome time and trials: depression, the death of a child, cancer, the stress of public life. Through it all, their marriages have survived--even grown stronger. "Need is the thing that holds a marriage together over the long haul," says actor Carroll O'Connor. "If the need stops, the marriage stops."

Thirty-one-year-old Dana Commandatore claims she has never been the kind of woman men immediately notice. But one night last year, while at a singles bar with friends, she couldn't keep the opposite sex away. "Guys were coming up to me and getting very close, and I was like, 'Wow!'"
The New York City office manager, now in a committed relationship with one of the men she met that night, credits her ability to attract him that evening to a costly potion ($60 for a tenth of an ounce) called Falling in Love. Its manufacturer, Philosophy cosmetics, claims the concoction is laced with pheromones, those odorless airborne molecules, synthesized from human chemical secretions, that are purported to boost attractiveness. (And yes, it's available at a department store near you.)

Bunk? Sniff if you will. Many do. But whether one believes Commandatore is hopelessly susceptible or remarkably savvy, one thing is clear: New research in the field of love and attraction shows that
romance--long the domain of poets, philosophers and five-hankie movies--may be ruled as much by molecules as it is by emotion. In fact, scientists now believe that the impulse that drives us to mate, marry and remain monogamous is not a result of mere social convention: It is also a complex mix of naturally occurring chemicals and hormones--Cupid's elixirs, if you will--that helps guide us through life's most important decision. That physiological component, say the researchers, may help explain some of love's mysteries: why opposites attract, why so many seemingly mismatched couples succeed, why we stick together with partners through even the worst of times.

"When you fall in love or in lust, it isn't merely an emotional event," says Theresa Crenshaw, M.D., the Masters and Johnson-trained author of The Alchemy of Love and Lust. "Your body's hormones, each with unique contributions, get involved too."

Free will, of course, can't be discounted. If you like redheads, you like redheads. If you're a sucker for a beautiful voice, the man who croons "Night and Day" to you has an edge. But doctors have long known that even that most primal of impulses, lust--the feeling that propels the lonely out the door in search of love--has a chemical basis. It is testosterone, the hormone that creates basic sexual desire in men and women.

Researchers are now concentrating on what happens after one walks out the door and into a wide world of romantic opportunity. What physical attributes, outside the obvious, attract? What role do pheromones play? When do other, more potent brain chemicals begin to kick in? The last decade's discoveries in neuroscience let researchers predict--even, for the first time, control, albeit in a limited way--what was once thought uncontrollable: love. "We are at the dawn of a new beginning, where people may soon never have to suffer the pain of love's slings and arrows," such as rejection, difficulty in bonding and attachment disorders, says James H. Fallon, professor of anatomy and neurobiology at the University of California, Irvine, College of Medicine. In 10 years, maybe less, he says, there could be brain chemical nasal sprays to enhance love between a couple. "We're very close. And that's not just happy talk...we're like giddy kids at the possibilities."

Indeed, what scientists believe they already know about matters of the heart is remarkable. To illustrate their findings, follow the story of Mike, a fictional Everyman, as he falls in love. One night, Mike, single, nervously arrives at a party, gets a drink, then scans the room. Science tells us that, unconsciously, he is already noting the size and symmetry of the facial bones of the women around him (a recent study by University of New Mexico biologists found that symmetrical bone structure is prized more than anything because it suggests a lack of undesirable genetic mutations). He also studies the women's curves, as research shows that men prefer waists to be 60-80 percent the size of hips, an indicator, however crude, of health and fertility. (Women, for their part, seek men with slightly feminized faces--think Leonardo DiCaprio--because they appear warmer, kinder and more trustworthy.) "Judging beauty has a strong evolutionary component," says University of Texas at Austin professor of psychology Devendra Singh. "You're looking at another person and figuring out whether you want your children to carry that person's genes."

At the party, Mike subconsciously follows these clues and makes eye contact with a woman, Sue. She smiles. His midbrain--the part that controls visual and auditory reflexes--releases the eurotransmitter dopamine, a brain chemical that gives him a rush--and the motivation to initiate conversation. As he nears, Mike's pheromones reach Sue's hypothalamus, eliciting a "yes, come closer" look. Why this happens isn't clear, but one study at the University of Bern, in Switzerland, suggests that people use smell as a possible cue for distinguishing genetic similarity in a potential partner--a consideration in preventing possible birth defects.

Mike is now feeling the first flutter of sexual attraction. His hypothalamus--the brain region that triggers the chemicals responsible for emotion--tells his body to send out attraction signals: His pupils dilate; his heart pumps harder so that his face flushes; he sweats slightly, which gives his skin a warm glow; glands in his scalp release oil to create extra shine. By night's end, he gets her phone number. The next day, memories of Sue direct his brain to secrete increasing levels of dopamine, creating feelings of yearning that propel him toward the phone. He calls. She sounds excited. The dopamine released in the base of the forebrain prompts the first strong feelings of pleasure that Mike associates with Sue.

When they meet the next night at a restaurant, his stomach does flip-flops and he starts feeling giddy at the sight of her. He can think of nothing but that face, those eyes, that smile, as his brain pathways become intoxicated with elevated levels of dopamine, norepinephrine (another neurotransmitter) and, particularly, phenylethylamine (PEA). This cocktail of natural chemicals gives Mike a slight buzz, as if he had taken a very low dose of amphetamines (or a large dose of chocolate, another source of PEA). This contributes to the almost irrational feelings of attraction--we've all felt them--that begin dominating his thoughts at work, while he drives, as he goes to sleep. "It's a natural high," says Anthony Walsh, professor of criminology at Boise State University and author of The Science of Love: Understanding Love and Its Effects on Mind and Body. "Your pupils dilate, your heart pumps, you sweat--it's the same reaction you'd have if you were afraid or angry. It's the fight-or-flight mechanism, except you don't want to fight or flee."

In the weeks that follow, Mike and Sue's relationship deepens. The first night Mike brings Sue home, he dims the lights and plays a little soft music. The chemical oxytocin floods his body. Twenty years ago, oxytocin was considered a female hormone useful only as a trigger for labor contractions and to induce lactation. In the '80s, research found that it is produced in the hypothalamus by both men and women, helping to create feelings of caring and warmth (thus bonding mother and baby after birth and during nursing). As Sue's oxytocin also surges, the couple begin forming a bond. Scientists now think that oxytocin actually strengthens the brain's receptors that produce emotions. Oxytocin increases further during touching, cuddling and other stages of sexual intimacy. It may also make it easier to evoke pleasant memories of each other while apart. Mike can think of Sue and experience, in his mind, the way she looks, feels and smells, and that will reinforce his connection to her. (Helen Fisher, a Rutgers University anthropologist, is conducting research with magnetic resonance imaging to track which parts of the brain change when someone is in love.)

Next comes the wedding. Honeymoon. Now what? Fast-forward 18 months. At this point, Mike and Sue could be at a crossroads. Science tells us that 18 months to three years after the first moment of infatuation, it's not unusual for feelings of neutrality for one's love partner to set in ("Why don't you take out the trash?" vs. "I dream about you all the time"). For many, there could be a chemical explanation. The mix of dopamine, norepinephrine and PEA is so much like a drug, say scientists, that it takes greater and greater doses to get the same buzz. So after someone has been with one person for a time, his brain stops reacting to the chemicals because it is habituated. "The brain can't maintain the revved-up status," says Walsh. "As happens with any drug, it needs more and more PEA to make the heart go pitter-patter."

Couples with attachments that are shaky for other reasons (money woes, abuse, irreconcilable differences) may part and--because the body's tolerance for PEA soon diminishes--seek someone new with whom to find the thrill of early love. More likely, however, committed couples will moveon to what science suggests is the most rewarding and enduring aspect of love. Though the same addictive rush isn't involved, ongoing physical contact, not just sex, helps produce endorphins, another brain chemical, and continued high doses of oxytocin. Endorphins calm the mind and kill anxiety. Both chemicals are like natural opiates and help stabilize the couple by inducing what famed obstetrician Michel Odent, of London's Primal Health Research Center (whose book, The Scientification of Love, will be published this year), calls "a druglike dependency."

Even in the animal world, neuroscientists had long wondered what kept prairie voles loyal to one mate while their cousins, the montane voles, were promiscuous maters. As it turned out, prairie voles are much more sensitive to the effects of oxytocin. In experiments, when those receptors are blocked, the animals' stay-at-home tendencies decline. "At present, our knowledge of neuroscience is doubling every two and a half years," says Robert Friar, professor of physiology and human sexuality at Michigan's Ferris State University. "That means that in the last two and a half years we have learned more than all prior humans about the workings of the brain." Says the University of California's Fallon: "Certainly the '90s are a blur for people in neuroscience. We all want to be up twenty-four hours a day so we don't miss a thing."

But in the end, will love's mysteries ever unravel in a laboratory? Some, like Fallon, say yes. Others, perhaps most of us lucky enough to have experienced true love, might believe--and wish--otherwise. Even in this advanced age of science, where we can transplant organs, map the human genome and clone our own offspring, we still have not come close to understanding what, exactly, ignites our spark of life, our souls, our very being. Maybe, possibly, that will remain true for the farthest reaches of love.

MATING GAME

HEADLINE: The mating game; hormones and animal sexual activities; includes related articles on animal maternal love and an school experiment on mate selection

BYLINE: Stiefel, Chana

BODY:
It's Saturday night. You style your hair, spray on deodorant, and gurgle mouthwash. You tear through your closet for your best jeans, then perform the curious ritual of checking yourself over and over in the mirror. What's it all about? Romance, of course.

On Saturday nights the world over (and every other day of the week, for that matter), Romeos and Juliets of the animal kingdom--from ants to zebras--are also preening and "dating." Now biologists are discovering how brain chemistry affects animal mating styles, and are piecing together the many meanings of animal courtship rituals. Their consensus: AnimAls and humans who "fall in love" share more traits in common than ever believed.

For starters, new research shows that some mammals release hormones (chemicals that affect body functions) like those of humans falling in love. Also, many animals "flirt" just like teens--they dance, sing, dress up, offer gifts, spray chemical perfumes and, yes, even fight over each other. To top it off, biologists are finding that the "show-off" antics many male animals perform to nab mates serve a vital purpose: The female gets to judge just how suitable her admirer is before making any commitment--and mating with him.

Scientists now think the capacity for love is programmed into animal biochemistry--especially hormones. Animals and plants produce hormones in very small amounts, which have powerful effects on their organs and systems. Humans, for example, produce 30 hormones in various body organs,
called endocrine glands, as well as in the brain and kidneys. Without hormones our bodies wouldn't grow or mature sexually. Hormones actually cause our hearts to speed up under stress, and help the body convert food into energy. When it comes to the role of hormones in choosing mates, scientists have recently zeroed in on the brain.

ROMANCE!
Take the prairie vole, a fluffy rodent that sticks with the same mate for life. When single voles meet, the female's brain releases a heightened dose of the hormone oxytocin, explains Sue Carter, a zoologist at the University of Maryland. Scientists have known since 1906 that oxytocin stimulates
human female contractions during child birth. Now they think the hormone also acts as eurotransmitter, or chemical messenger in the brain's nerve cells, that can guide behavior and seal emotional ties. When oxytocin courses through the female vole's brain, she bonds with the male.
Deprived of the hormone (in the lab), she ignores him!

Similarly, the male vole's brain releases vasopressin, a hormone that prompts him to bond with his mate and guard her and their young from predators. "You can't imagine how much time these animals spend together," Carter says. "They spend over half their time sitting quietly touching each other. The release of hormones seals the bond." If that isn't romance, what is?

HOW TO GET A DATE
Species of all kinds also exhibit what scientists call social behavior--they interact with each other in a wide variety of courtship rituals.

Sea horse pairs start each day by wrapping their tails around each other and performing a tango around a blade of grass. Some scientists believe that sea horses remain forever faithful to their mates. They've tried to persuade male and female sea horses to "cheat" in a tank full of sea horse
"singles." But "married" sea horses seem to only have eyes for each other.
(Perhaps most amazing is that male sea horses get pregnant and give birth!)

The next generation of sea horses will repeat their parents' romantic rituals. Scientists say that courtship behavior is often passed down from generation to generation. For creatures like sea horses, who spend no time with their parents after birth, courtship behavior is pure genetics, the result of "dance steps" passed down from one generation to another. Genes are chemical instructions in animal cells received from mom and dad. Of course, some young mammals pick up "dating" tricks by simply imitating their parents.

Courtship strategies evolve over long periods of time, usually based on what "works" for each species to survive, says Penny Kalk, a mammalogist at the Bronx Zoo in New York. These genetically inherited traits are known as adaptations. Evolution helps explain how cats of all kinds--from kittens to Siberian tigers--have adapted the same mating rituals. In a courtship
dance, "the female runs, rolls, and lifts her rear up in the air," Kalk says. Apparently this "dance" evolved among biological ancestors of female felines to attract "cool cats."

Other animal courtship adaptations abound. You may surprise your date with
flowers or candy. Male bowerbirds in Australia and New Guinea have inherited the know-how to build lavish bowers--walled chambers made of twigs, decorated with blue feathers, yellow flowers, and leaves. A choosy female "can come in close, check out the male, and make sure she's making
the right decision," says Gerald Borgia, a zoology professor at the University of Maryland.

STINGING LOVE
Talk about "electric" love! Stingrays are flat fish with whiplike tails that have adapted a sensory system known as electroreception. A weak electric current flows from tissues in a ray's mouth, gills, and other body parts. Seawater acts like a three-dimensional wire, conducting the current
through the surf. During mating season, females pile up in groups up to 50 rays high, forming "condominiums" in the sand. When females give off electric signals, males use their own electrical receptors to hone in on them. The males then circle the condos and try to pull out females for
mating.

If you find the scent of cologne alluring, you're not alone. Since the female gypsy moth can't fly, she manufactures her own natural "perfume" to attract a far-away male. She releases chemicals called pheromones from a gland on her abdomen. The pheromones waft into the air, carrying a specific
scented signal that lures only male gypsy moths. The male's antennae, each one covered with 15,000 pheromone-sensitive hairs, can detect a single molecule of the scent from as far as seven miles away!

DATING DANGERS
Sometimes the contest for mates gets downright nasty. Male elephant seals are cow-size mating machines that often claim a harem of 50 females. Once landing on a beach to mate, males test each other's strength to fight over females. Males let out loud warning cries to keep rivals away. If their
alarm fails, watch out! Males slam their chests against rivals and rip at their necks with long canine teeth, resulting in a bloody bout. The loser flees--without the girl.

The mating game can also be deadly. At the sight of a female, a male praying mantis freezes in place. He gradually but cautiously moves toward her. Then he jumps on her and begins to mate. During mating, the female may twist around, bite off the male's head and eat it!

Why do animals--including humans--go through such trouble to find their mates? Biologists say that the strongest drive in any creature is the desire to preserve one's genes for eternity. "The bottom line is getting your genes passed on to the next generation," explains zoologist Borgia Animals feel the need to pass on genes in the form of offspring, even if it means getting dumped, bruised, or beheaded. The species that try hardest have the best chance of survival. So dating and mating are a natural part of life on Earth.

Happy Valentine's Day!

RELATED ARTICLE: Mother Love

How did love begin? Probably with motherhood. All across the animal kingdom, mothers nurture their offspring, making sure babies get off to a good start. An orangutan mom cares for her baby for four years. Then the toddler is ready for "independence day."

In mammals and possibly other animals a hormone called oxytocin, released in the mother's brain during labor, is a spark bonding mother to child. Oxytocin blunts the physical pain of childbirth and induces sensations of pleasure. Without it a ewe, for example, can't recognize her own lamb.

In many species other than mammals, however, moms aren't so loving. In general, insects, fish, turtles and other species that produce many eggs (and thus many offspring) provide little care--the more young that are born, the better the odds for survival of the species. The more loving moms, like mammals, are those who produce fewer offspring.

RELATED ARTICLE: Call of the Wild

How do animals find mates of their own species?

WHAT YOU NEED
* film canisters with lids (one per student)
* small objects (paper clips, pennies, popcorn kernels, marbles, dried macaroni pieces, etc.)
* paper bag

WHAT TO DO

1. Divide up the canisters into pairs.
2. Choose which of the following items to put in each canister pair: * 3 paper clips (per canister) * 2 pennies * 1 marble * 2 popcorn kernels * 4 macaroni pieces * anything else that makes a different noise when shaken in the canister. More than one pair can contain the same objects.
3. Put the lids on, an drop the canisters into a bag.
4. Each student in the class should take on canister from the bag.
5. Walk around the room, shaking your canister. Listen carefully to other students' canisters. When you find a sound match, sit down with your "mate."

CONCLUSIONS
How many of you found "mates"? How is the activity similar to what animals do in the wild? When is sound a more reliable way to find mates than sights?

Communication Between Men and Women

On the forum she said: All I have to say is we women ask a man or our hubby a question (like does this dress look good?) we need to be mature enough to handle the answer OR DON'T ASK!

Which produced this interesting and introspective reply from Nekosohana, one of the forum's male members. I have made some very minor edits, primarily for spelling or punctuation:

Most of those questions are socially expressed contracts that we have with our partners. Women know the answer to the question, but it's not a real question. In reality, society programs women to say that because society programs men to not express the "L" word.

Don't believe me? Look at little boys and little girls. My friends laughed at me for liking a girl. It's not socially acceptable at that age to like girls and when we get older, our masculinity is not defined by self image (which it should be), but by the images of ourselves we get off of others.

If you are to look in a bathroom miror, you will (not?) see the true you. Agreed? You will see only the image of yourself that your own mind allows. As people expand their knowledge of self, that image will change. Both physically and mentally (but we are sticking to mentally for the moment).

But the problem lies in a simple truth that we don't seem to get. Our baseline is taken from a biological version of the funhouse mirror, our parents. We learn through our youth that our parents define us (which is why women inevitably become their mothers - or exact opposites) - because the base patterns we use for self evaluation are not born inside us (like they are with others of the animal race), they are received from our parents.

As we get older and become more self aware, we make a decision in our very early youth to accept these patterns or reject them. This seems to happen in the teenage years (hence the rebellious phases).

My ex-wife accepted her mother's patterns, which included 4 divorces (or 3?), and 6 children from 4 different men. So is it any surprise that when the work came, my wife wasn't willing to take the extra step? No, because she repeated her mother, to the "T'.

So back to your statement. We men are contracted early with patterns as well that say machismo = manly. In that same contract there is a clause that says, expression of feelings is unacceptable because that is not machismo. And machismo = manly. Most men accept this as law. Agree? That's why we have songs about men who would rather fish than spend time with their women. As you can tell, I rejected the clause.

So, to wrap this up it goes like this. Men have a set pattern of not being able to express feelings, because they don't understand that expression does not equal weakness (or the non-machismo fault). Women invariably understand this, why? Because most had fathers to a certain degree, or father figures. If they didn't, well I haven't thought far enough to argue that point yet. So they also play to the contract with something that goes like this:

Instead of saying: "Do you love me" or "Am I still beautiful to you?" (and all people desire to be craved, even men) because the above contract rules tell then they will not get an answer, or will degrade their men somehow, they ask: "Do I look fat?" or "Does this dress look good?" with the implied expectation that since they met with his contract he will meet with theirs. And he often does, because in this case, we all know the rules, whether we admit it or not.

In reality, I feel that honesty is the best policy. But I learned in my marriage, that sometimes it can be good to play along, that the end to happiness is not always in the stark truth (and I am all for stark truth), but in the understanding that, like sarcasm, the "dishonest" answer is not always a lie.

Regardless of whether you agree with everything he has written, I think this is an interesting and introspective opinion.

Take care of yourself.

From Pat Gaudette,
Your Guide to Divorce Support.